Monkfish

 Lifetime stats: Greater than 2 fish, strictly less than 10.
 Averages roughly one fish every 2.1 years. At this rate, he is due for a bite in mid-November 2027.

Sacramental Wine (or whatever is left in the bottom of Swampman’s esky).

Monkfish is a man of incredible spiritual fortitude. It takes a certain kind of "zen" to spend 21 years in Australia and still possess a career catch-count that can be calculated on your fingers without using your thumbs. He doesn't just fish; he performs a silent vigil over the water, waiting for a miracle that the local tide charts suggest will never come.

His application states a willingness to "sit in the hole" with Swampman and Mudguts. For the uninitiated, "The Hole" is less of a fishing spot and more of a localized environmental disaster zone where the oxygen levels are 4% and the conversation is 90% grunts. If Monkfish can survive a six-hour stint downwind of Mudguts after a prawn-curry dinner, he’ll have earned his stripes.

He claims he is "looking to learn from the best." Unfortunately, he has chosen to shadow Swampman, whose primary fishing technique involves yelling at the water until the fish surrender out of pure confusion. Monkfish’s dedication to the craft is admirable, though we suspect his "meditation" is actually just him falling asleep standing up with a rod in his hand.

We have high hopes for Monkfish this year. If he manages to land a third fish, it will represent a 50% increase in his career total, potentially triggering a localized economic boom in the bait industry. If not, he’ll likely just blend back into the mangroves, becoming one with the silt.

Bless you, Monkfish. Try not to hook your own ear.